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I'm a loser, baby..

Ya wanna know what's so pathetic? I've just spent the past half an hour trying to find a comment I made to one of my buddies forever ago. It doesn't seem to exist, or maybe she just deleted it.. I dunno. I was trying to find it because I seem to have lost myself in the world. I feel.. UnTawnish. It was a survey that I filled out and then stole to put it on my lj, then she wrote me back on mine and filled it out for me. Kinna sad when that same survey is just three entries down in my journal, and on hers it's like 100 or more down. If it even exists.. I found it, but my comment wasn't there. So I guess she must have deleted it. I can't blame her. It's not like I was much of a friend leading up until recently. I had no way of contacting anyone, though. It's hard when you don't have a computer at home to sit at and spend hours replying.

I just don't understand how I can go from this poetic, caring, loving, fun individual to.. nothing. I don't feel a damn thing anymore; it's as if the world holds no joy for me now, and it makes me want to cry because I remember how often I used to see beauty in this world. Now all I can ever see is anger, impoverishment, guilt. Being in the "real world" has broken my spirit, robbed me of my naivety. The bible says we are to be naive "as doves" and yet as insightful "as the serpent that offered [Eve] the forbidden fruit." I don't know if it's too late for me, if I'm permanently disillusioned, or if there's a chance that i might recover from this.. affliction of the soul. It's been nearly a solid two years since I wrote any poetry, or RP'd with anyone, or did anything creative at all. Now, of course, I have hardly no time, since I'm working full time hours. I guess I'm done rambling my pathetic little problems.

Disheartedly Yours,
Tawni

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