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I'm a loser, baby..

Ya wanna know what's so pathetic? I've just spent the past half an hour trying to find a comment I made to one of my buddies forever ago. It doesn't seem to exist, or maybe she just deleted it.. I dunno. I was trying to find it because I seem to have lost myself in the world. I feel.. UnTawnish. It was a survey that I filled out and then stole to put it on my lj, then she wrote me back on mine and filled it out for me. Kinna sad when that same survey is just three entries down in my journal, and on hers it's like 100 or more down. If it even exists.. I found it, but my comment wasn't there. So I guess she must have deleted it. I can't blame her. It's not like I was much of a friend leading up until recently. I had no way of contacting anyone, though. It's hard when you don't have a computer at home to sit at and spend hours replying.

I just don't understand how I can go from this poetic, caring, loving, fun individual to.. nothing. I don't feel a damn thing anymore; it's as if the world holds no joy for me now, and it makes me want to cry because I remember how often I used to see beauty in this world. Now all I can ever see is anger, impoverishment, guilt. Being in the "real world" has broken my spirit, robbed me of my naivety. The bible says we are to be naive "as doves" and yet as insightful "as the serpent that offered [Eve] the forbidden fruit." I don't know if it's too late for me, if I'm permanently disillusioned, or if there's a chance that i might recover from this.. affliction of the soul. It's been nearly a solid two years since I wrote any poetry, or RP'd with anyone, or did anything creative at all. Now, of course, I have hardly no time, since I'm working full time hours. I guess I'm done rambling my pathetic little problems.

Disheartedly Yours,
Tawni

Considering a covenant? Join with me

  I've come to a conclusion about my life: I simply wasn't meant to have a relationship other than friendships with the opposite sex. I've been married not quite a year, and already I'm getting ready to divorce him. I just don't know about anything anymore. I'm divorcing him because there are so many things I need in my significant other that he was unwilling or unable to give to me. Also, he decided one night not too long ago to hit me. Now, I've been smacked around by a couple other men in my life, and the one thing I vowed never to do was be in an abusive relationship with another man. I was, foolishly, in an abusive relationship one other time, and that was only because I felt I had no where else to go at the time. This time was different.. You never expect the one you love to hurt you like that; at least, I never expected it. I mean, this is the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.. Now all my dreams seem to have scattered like too many ashes in the wind. I keep thinking to myself, "Yeah, ya really know how to pick 'em Tawn. One's gay, one's a stalker, and the others just can't keep their tempers in check." I'm so hurt, and angry, and ashamed that I couldn't make my marriage work out. The whole time it seems like I'm just in this really big ugly nightmare, I keep trying to wake up then I realise it's not a dream, it's real, it's happening, and I started the whole thing in motion. I second-guess myself constantly, wonder if I could have worked on my own problems more, that sort of thing. But it has to be over, because if it isn't I'll go completely off my rocker. It's so unbearably sad not waking up in the morning to his head pushing mine off the pillow.
  But enough about depressing things. I have to move on in my life. On a good note, I'm doing well at work, I've got this job working at McDonald's, it's a crappy job but at least it pays my bills. All of the managers (there's like twelve of them) seem to really like me, and I've been getting at least 35 hours a week. Minimun wage just went up again, and it's supposed to keep going up more until it hits 8.00 an hour, which is great considering the minimun wage just last year was 5.75 an hour. I am so sick of being poor. My parents just leased this computer and a ps3 at the rent-to-own store, and I can use it as long as I chip in for the internet, which really isn't bad at all, considering it's only around 15.00 a month for our connection. For some reason, though, we can't download anything, so I can't get AIM, which really, REALLY bites. If anyone has any suggestions as to what the problem could be, please, let me know. We did a virus scan, and cleaned out the whole system, but it still won't let us download anything.
  Well, I'll go for now, seeing as I have nothing left of any importance to write about, but I'll try to update again tomorrow.

Love Always,
Tawni

Exhileration

Oh. My. GAWD. I cannot believe it's been this long since I was able to update and such. You people must think I gave up on you all. Okay, well, I haven't, but I haven't got a lot of time and so I just want to write the details of my recent life in the small amount of time I do have. So here goes: I AM MARRIED.... Yes, you read right, I am now a married woman, though not to Di. Well, it is to a Di, but not THAT Di persay. You see, I found another Di, a much better Di, and what's better, the name Di actually makes sense, considering his name is Du Wone. Kir, I love you, but could you possibly tell me how we were silly enough to come up with a name like Di for a guy like Paul? I know a Di now, and Paul is definitely not a Di kinna guy. Now, y'see, if I knew then what I know now, I sure as fire wouldn't have called him Di. But anywho, I really cant think of anything else of importance, other than I found out that I only have a 25% chance of ever getting pregnant, and by the time I turn 25, which is in a startling three years, I will have absolutely no chance of getting pregnant at all. So basically, if Wone and I want to have children, now is the only time... Well, I have to be on my way  now, and give my husband a little time on the computer, so I shall enjoy reading any comments at all from anyone who chooses to give them.

Love to all always,
Tawni

If I fell In Love With You..

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF...

» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY...

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how attractive am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I lovable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?


Okay, so I'm a stealer. But to be fair, it *was* one of the questions, which implies that you don't *mind* if I steal it.. Even so, thanks to my lovely Kirseluh for this..

I love him..

I miss Di.. It's been a little over a week now, and I'm going out of my mind. I've emailed him twice, he hasn't emailed me back.. Yesterday I needed a ride to my cpr training course, and I didn't know anyone else who could take me but Di. He did, and we were talking politely, keeping the conversation light. I asked him if he'd found another girlfriend yet and he said no. Then I said I'd had offers and he just kinda said oh.. I told him I'd turned all of them down. He asked why, and I said "because there's only one person I want to be with for the rest of my life" - and he said oh again. That was it. I think he's really gone for good this time. I emailed him tonight and told him I would wait for him until the day I died and then some.. I don't think he'll email me back though. I don't know what else to do but wait now.. Well, I know this is a super short entry, but honestly, nothing else matters to me anymore. Not without Di..

Love,
Tawni

Bad week...

I talked to Di today, after me trying for a good six hours, and he said he was through with me and through with my mum. Last night he picked me up from work and dropped me off at my mum's house, so his mum and my mum could talk.. Bad idea. It ended up with his mum screaming at me to "SHUT UP" as loud as she possibly could, and my mum springing up into her face and nearly knocking her flat.. Thank goodness my stepdad was there. He held me and my mum back, because by that time I was irate, to say the least. So now he wants nothing to do with either of us, and he dropped off all my things at my mum's today. I asked him what he was going to do about the tattoo on his shoulder with my name in it.. He said he was going to let it fade.. That made me laugh a little bit, a tattoo never fades completely, but that was the amusement of my day. I'm keeping the ring, I'm thinking I'll save it for if I ever have a daughter, but who knows, I may pawn it after all.. Not trying to sound too dramatic here or anything.. Anyway, I'll update more later.

Loves,
Tawn

Baaad Day..

Well, Di and I are on the verge of a break up again.. We got into an uber bad argument again last night where his mum called me a little bitch and all sorts of other names.. She said I didn't help with anything, when she knows I just gave Di half my paycheck to go towards his debts on his credit cards.. He said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, he was going to have to think things over.. Then he denied saying that, but said that he thought we should live in seperate houses until we were married.. I told him I couldn't do that again.. It's so hard to just have to give up sleeping in the same bed with your lover, best friend, and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.. I'm going to go insane if this happens again.. I don't think it's fair that he ask me to do this. I don't know what's going to happen now.. I love Di so much, I would do anything for him, but I CAN'T do this.. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I cannot go through this again. In my opinion, this is one of the most hurtful things you could say to the person you're supposed to love and cherish through thick and thin.. I'm going to work now, so I'll update more later...

Love To All Always,
Tawns

Missing Him..

Dawn and Amy finally showed up today, around 2:00 p.m., and we went out to Ann Arbor to see Sue and Di. We could only see her for about 15 minutes, then the nurse kicked us out because she needed her rest. Oh well, at least we got to visit with her for a few minutes..

Di majorly needed a break, so we headed over to the mall for a while to relax and window shop. Di slowly relaxed and started to have fun, which I'm glad of because I nearly cried when I saw how stressed he was. After the mall, he treated all three of us to dinner at a very classy Italian restaurant; he wouldn't tell me how much the bill was, but I'm guessing it was over 100 dollars judging from the fact that the server declined two of his major credit cards.. After dinner we walked back to the car and tried to find this wiccan book store called Crazy Wisdom. We never did find it, but we had fun getting lost in the city. He promised me we would find it next time we were both up there.

After finding our way back to the hospital, it was late, after 10:00 p.m., and time for us to leave. I didn't want to let him go; it's so hard saying goodbye the first time, but the second time is twice as hard. He promised me he would be home soon, and he kept on kissing me and hugging me, telling me it would be alright.. It was so sweet.. It took us about ten minutes to say goodbye. We didn't get back until about half an hour ago, and now I'm beat so I think I'll go to bed..

Love To All Always,
Tawns

Updates And Such

Well, today Dawn, Amy and I are supposed to go out to Ann Arbor and see Sue and Di.. We'll see if they even show up.. We were supposed to be out my door by 10, and it's now 9:30 and they haven't called me or anything. I really hope they show.. I miss Di so much.. I haven't been able to sleep worth crap since I left him in Ann Arbor. Mum was right about getting used to someone. She always used to tell me that when you find your soulmate, you'll know it, because you'll get so used to his snoring at night that when he's not there, you can't sleep because it's too quiet. It's a huge difference not being able to sleep wrapped up in Di's arms every night.. I really hope Dawn and Amy show up sometime soon.. I need to see Di before I go crazy. I wonder if anyone did ever go crazy from wanting to see someone so badly? I doubt it, but it's an interesting concept nonetheless. The hospital had moved Sue from the ICU to a regular hospital room, but last night they moved her back into the ICU because her speach was slurring and she kept passing out. So now I find it my duty as Di's fiance to be there for him, because I know his aunt wont be there. All she'll do is bitch and generally make the situation worse.. I REALLY hope Dawn and Amy show up soon.. >.< Ahh, I'm sure they'll show up eventually..

Love Always,
Tawni

Lots Of News

Wow, so much has happened in the past few days.. Okay, to start off, Saturday night I stayed with Mum because she was missing me, and I kinda needed a bit of a break. Sunday morning, about 3 a.m., Di's mum threw up and her balance was off; Di got scared because those were signs of her shunt in her head malfunctioning. He couldn't get ahold of me until almost two p.m. because somehow my phone's speaker got turned off and I couldn't hear him trying to two-way me. Anyhow, he finally got ahold of me and we took Sue (his mum) to the ER in Lansing. Well, we spent all day Sunday there, and finally at about 10 p.m. they transported her to the U of M in Ann Arbor.

We stayed at a hotel for the night, after we got her settled at the hospital and such; we didn't get to the hotel until about 4:30 a.m. and we didn't get to sleep until almost 5:30 a.m. The hospital called us at about 9 a.m. and told us the neurosurgeon was there. So we went up there and sat with her, talked to the neurosurgeon, and finally ate something.. This was Monday during the day. The neurosurgen said she would probably have to have surgery, so his Aunt Joyce from Arizona was going to fly up here to Michigan to be with her. Well, his aunt is rather infamous for her.. shall we say.. bedside manner? Anyhow, after the stories, I was a bit nervous about meeting her. She got in about 9 p.m., and Di went to go meet her and show her where the room was.. and also to tell her about me. She got very, very, VERY upset that I was there. She claimed I had no right to be "butting into her personal affairs" and said I was to leave immediately. She also told Di he was not to take me home. So I was stuck in Ann Arbor with no way of getting to Lansing and a woman who despised me just because I wasn't part of the family yet.

The only thing I could do was call my mum, sobbing hysterically, and ask her to come get me, which they actually did. Then his aunt said I could stay the night, but only for one night, and I was to leave the next day (today). Well, I certainly wasn't going to stick around there after all the horrible things she'd said, so I left that night. We didn't get back into Lansing until almost 4 a.m. and I crashed right thereafter. I didn't wake up until almost one and I'm still drained. I can't believe all this, I can't be with my fiance when he most needs me.. He's so stressed, I can hear it in his voice, and it's killing me because there's nothing I can do about it..

Joyce Richards has to be the most horrid, rotten person I have ever met, and if I'd gotten the chance, I probably would have tackled her to the ground and beaten her face to a pulp right there in the hospital. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but she hurt me so much.. The one thing someone could do to hurt me the most is tear me away from Di when he needs me. He's a wreck, and she's been yelling at him about every little thing.. He doesn't need that.. Mum and Daddy said they could probably drive me out there again tommorrow though, so I'm hoping they follow through on that. At least Sue's doing a bit better now. I just got done talking to Di on the phone, and now she doesn't need surgery, but they're still keeping her for a few days to figure all this out.

Plus, I found out that my little sister is now sitting in jail for assaulting a police officer.. Oy, I do NOT need all this right now.. When it rains, it pours..

Love,
Tawni