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memories in the corner of my mind..

I wish I could take back all the hurt I caused. I wish my childhood had been better, so I would have something to offer my wonderful husband other than damaged goods. I wish I had friends still, instead of foolishly pushing everyone who cared about me away. I wish I could go back, maybe make things better so I wouldn't be a 27 year old overweight whiner with no children no job and no future other than dragging a man who has always done right by her down a dark, lonely road. I wish just one person would reach out and offer me another chance. But I suppose my time came and went already. C'est la vie I suppose.

Love to all always,
The Tawn


okay I am so incredibly done with the male species its not even funny.. I had this awesome guy I was dating, and we were getting pretty serious. Then yesterday he just out of the blue says he doesn't think he can deal anymore, he wants out. But it gets better.. Wanna hear his reasons? One, his daughter takes up a lot of his time. Cool, I totally understand that, your child should always come before anyone and everyone. Two, he wants to focus on work. Now this one I have an issue with because while I understand one must have an occupation to survive in this world, one must also be careful not to get to the point where the main focus is money. I believe that is where he's at right now, and that is a path I cannot tread with him. Three, he wants to focus on school. Again, I take issue with this for same reasons mentioned previously. It all ties in with work, because what do you do at a job? You work. To do what? Make money. Now if a person thinks they need more money when they're already working 40 hours a week and have very few expenses, I would say that it has become more about the aquisition of wealth for the sake of being wealthy. Now taking school into consideration.. What does one do at school? Takes courses to gain knowledge in a particular field in order to get a HIGHER PAYING JOB........ 'nuff said.. its not that I shun the educational system, or criticize him for wanting to further his own education, it's more the fact that he places financial security in a higher priorital position than a person he claims to love. Therefore, in laymen's terms, he is choosing financial gain over having a relationship with me. I was perfectly fine sharing his time with his other commitments, but it was also the fact that I always felt as if I were merely an afterthought for him, something to consider only when his other tasks were completed.. It is not that difficult to manage time between work and family and social.. okay it is rather difficult but I cant help thinking that if he truly cared about me the way he said he did, he would have found a way to make it work. So that is why I am done with men, and seriously considering switching sides for a while.. the attraction has always been there, but I always thought a life with a man would be much more fufilling.. It's time to find out whether i was right or wrong..

Im Baaaack...

Well, the title says it all.. I am actually able to post on here for once. But you know, certain people should be made aware that just because I never had time to post doesn't mean I wasn't interested, or didn't care. I always made time to look at my friends' pages, keep updated, because I love all my friends on here, and I am interested in all their lives. anywhat, I guess what Im trying to say is Im sorry I haven't been a better friend. Its no wonder all the people on my list quit talking to me.. and we used to have such wonderful conversations.. well, from here on out I resolve to fix this situation. I vow, to any and all who are willing to give me another chance, that I will be a better friend and post at least once every two weeks, and give plentiful comments to those that I deem worthy of commentation. now that that's settled, on to the update section..
I'm officially divorced, have been since last christmas, Paul and i still talk, and I am now with a man named andres, who is very nice but very hot tempered. also, he happens to live almost 2 hours from me, so we haven't actually been able to meet in person. But I have discovered that it matters not if one meets their significant other, you still argue the same whether it's via phone or text or in person. But enough about my sorrows, I want to hear what all my friends have been up to on here. If anyone cares to, here's my number: 517-749-3563 just call and tell me you're from livejournal so I don't freak out and wonder how you got my number. If anyone bothers calling, but that's assuming at least a couple people are willing to forgive me, and also assuming people aren't weirded out by the fact that I posted my number on my livejournal..
Love To All Always,
Okay, I'm not so good with the update thing, I know.. Well, I'm in Ann Arbor right now with Paul. No, we're not together as of "officially", but we're trying to work out our differences and take things veeeerrrryyy slow. See, for those of you not familiar with the whole Paul - me - his mom thing, we used to be engaged, and well.. let's just say things didn't work out due to a number of factors, his mother being a big one of those. Anyhow, Paul's mother has had several neuro surgeries in the past, and recently, she fell and hit her head in the exact place where her shunt is located. Long story short, she's had to have surgery *again* and is now up to numero dias. (that's ten to those who don't speakah de Spaneah)
Anywho, the last time I was up here, Paul's Aunt Joyce came up and decided I had to leave, but Paul was under no circumstances to drive me back to Lansing. Consequently, my parents had to come and get me in the middle of an ice storm, thus leading to a catasrophic fued between mine and Paul's parents. However, this was waaaay before I (stupidly) got married, and so the whole ordeal has been put behind us.
So, about the whole marriage thing, I've had numerous people ask me why I got married to a man I'd only known for four months, and here's the true and pathetic reason: I had to prove myself "marryable". Paul left me, I was feeling so very undesirable, and so I just latched right on to the first smooth talker I met. Little did I know at the time, he was an abusive prick only looking for a free ride. The first time he decided to lay a hand on me, I kicked his arse to the curb, believe me. But not before he was able to obtain my social security number, which I sadly made readily available to him, and proceed to wreck my credit so badly that I can't even go to the local movie store to rent a flick.
At last, I come to the most recent drama in my life, which is losing my job, falling back into love with a man who left me for another man, and staying next to the sickbed of a woman who once called me a "meddling little bitch", and I do quote that. Wow, I'm a messed up little cookie, aren't I? On the other hand, all this stress is a weight-loss miracle. -_-

Writer's Block: Nicknames

What's your nickname, and how did you get it?
 My nickname is Tawni, but it used to be Gitawni. It started out that I used this name on an RPG site with some friends. Everyone started shortening it to Tawni, and soon it became the norm. After so many years of using this name on the internet, it felt natural to start using it in the real world. Soon all my friends off the internet started calling me Tawni, and they always assumed I preferred this name because of the color of my hair. Little do they know, it all began with an RPG fiend..

What photograph has the power to transport you back to that day and time?


<input ... > View other answers

 I would have to say the photograph that best takes me back in time would have to be the one my best friend and I took at a local movie theatre when I was around 11 or 12. We had went into one of those photo booth machines, where you can pick a background and text to appear. We slung our arms around eachother, picked a beach backdrop, the words "trouble in paradise" and grinned like fools for the camera. I remember my friend and I were bummed because our other best friend had opted not to come with us that day, and we were going to send him the picture with a note claiming "there's room for one more". Obviously we never sent it to him, because after 10 years here it still sits in my photo album.

This life is too twisty.. I wanna go home

 Okay, so I know I'm vewy vewy bad in not updating and such.. but I dunno, I felt that even when I did update, no one cared to read what I wrote, so I suppose there's not much point in writing. Not meaning to sound so self important and whiny here, but che cera cera, nu? Okay, I have some mixed jumbles of good and bad news. I was dating this guy, whom I thought was nice, but it turns out he only thinks about numero uno. I CANNOT STAND people who don't think about others. I mean, I'm not even talking about his putting himself before me, that I can handle, but he's just so self-absorbed, it seriously despises me. So I am once more single, which is the way I'm staying for a while, at least until my nasty divorce is settled, which is yet another thing that depresses me. I'm only 22 years old, and already I have a divorce under my belt. Yeah, I was stupid for getting married in the first place, but after much contemplation, I think I finally figured out the why on that. See, after the whole Di incident, I guess I felt undesirable. I mean, I was so horrid that I made him go GAY. (In the real world, I understand that it wasn't me who made him turn the tables, it's just how he is, but that's the way I felt for a loooonnnggg time..) I felt I had to prove myself "marryable". Well, now I've done that, and I'm okay. On a good note, I've found a new job, one where I'll get a week's paid vacation, and benefits, and the whole nine yards. Plus a guaranteed forty hours, and still I get three days off. So Kudos to me, nu? Well, I think that's about it for now, since I cant think of anything else of substance to write.

                        Love To All Always,

Couldn't help myself

Let's Play 20 Questions!

1. What is your name? Sex a la Tawni
2. How did you meet me? In school :) Shouldna thrown plaster molds at poor Adam >)
3. We been friends for long? Yeppers, round.. hmm.. lesse, bout 5 years now.
4. Who's your best friend online? That would be miss Kirseluh
5. What about in rl? Kayle but of course *g*
6. What's your birthday? May 8th
7. How old are you? 22ish
8. If you had 6 plane tickets to go anywhere you wanted, where would you go and who would you bring? I would most certainly go backpacking all over Europe and I would take Kayle, Kirsten, Mum, Dod, and Carl. Sorry Alison, I only had 6 tickets! But you can live without your hubby for a month, cant you? >)
9. What's your favorite color(s)? Pink n black
10. What's your favorite food(s)? Tacoes!~!
11. What's your favorite book(s)? Well, the HP series, for one. Anything by King or Koontz is fine by me also. But I think my all time fave has to be Invinceable Summer, lol cant recall the author right now, but it's a good'n.
12. Do you see a shrink? Nope, I see a psychologist :p He told me I have a gift that's very rare... Then again, his name *is* David Harley (no joke!)
13. Do you like my hair? I lurve it! It's so reddish and curly-yet-straightish. It is magnificent hair!
14. Would you kill someone if they did something horrible to you (think Kill Bill)? No, unfortunately I've had some pretty bad people do some pretty bad stuff to me, and I have no desire to kill them. Seriously maim them, perhaps, but not kill
15. Pick one: home, outdoors, or friend's home. Well, I would have to say home, because I'm most comfortable there, but then I would hope all my friends would pick friend's home, because I love entertaining guests *g*
16. What do you want to be when you grow up? Peter Pan! lol seriously though, I want to be a journalist
17. Do you have any children? No, unfortunately not. Would love some someday soon though :)
18. Are you going to post this on your myspace or some other blog? Most likely, so's I can see what my other friends put
19. Do you love me? Always and forever *snuglovehug*
20. And finally, what meaningful bit of insight can you share, or what's one of your favorite quotes? I have no favorite quotes, seeing as I love any and *all* quotes, so I'll share this bit of wisdom: never, EVER, try to put your pants on more than one leg at a time. You do NOT have a third leg to stand on, no matter what that man on the corner told you.

Well I thought this was an ubber shibby quiz, so thanks to my TayTay for writing it up. Anyone who posts this in their journal or posts it in a comment will become the ultra shibby-coolest special person sempiternally. Cheers!

What an interesting high my life is

Well, my day yesterday was fun. Spent the better part of most of the day hugging the toilet, finally got some eggs to stay down, dragged myself to the phone and called in from work, then got myself to the nearest redi-care facility. I spent the better part of five hours sitting on a tiny cot with an IV in my arm that was finished in the first fifteen minutes, then decided for the next three hours to slowly suck my blood out so that by the time the stupid nurse got around to taking it out of me, I was in excrutiating pain and the line had a lovely red tint to it. At least they had the decency to shoot me up with so much morphine I couldn't walk straight, even if they never did find out the cause of my mysterious affliction.

On the upside, I got home and met a new online buddy, he's only 17 but has a very mature mindset. I was roaming around on yahoo chat rooms, asking people in the RP rooms if they wanted to do an RP, which, hello, it's an RPG chat room, you would think people would be, I dunno, maybe RPGing?? Anywho, no one wanted to, and just as I was about to give up for the night (well, day), this person entered the chat room and asked in ooc bubbles what the topic was. I immediately sent said person an IM that said simply YOU ARE MY SAVIOUR. We spent about an hour just chatting, lol we never did get around to actually RPing, other than sending a sample to eachother, but now he's on my buddy list and I sent him an offline message with my charie's info, so hopefully he'll sign on soon and see it, nu? Even if he doesn't get on before I have to get off he'll see my message and hopefully reply with his charie info.

Okay, so I know I have no life, I mean it's pretty pathetic when the high point of my day was flirting with an underage stranger.. On another note I really, really don't wanna go to work, I still feel crappy. But at least after this I have three whole days off to do nothing but clean house and relax. I might actually get around to cleaning my room one of those days, though that is admittedly doubtful. I have a lawn to mow, dishes to do, floors to sweep, laundry to do.. Ich, I think maybe I'll just go up to my work and see if they need an extra person.

On yet another bad note, I got another write up at work yesterday. My second one in two days. The first was for being almost 4 hours late, because I got my schedule confused. The second was because somehow, my till was 30 bucks over, which implies that I thought to myself "gee, I don't think I want to give this customer their change. I want my company to make a bigger profit, even though I gain not a single damn thing from this venture." I cannot for the life of me see how I missed giving someone 30 frikin bucks. If I were that customer that gave me a 50 and I didn't get the right change back, you can guarantee I would be coming back to say something about it. No one came back and said anything along those lines. Therefore, I can only conclude that it was the managers that counted out my till that made the mistake, and of course no one is going to own up to it. It's a lot easier to blame it on the lowly crew. It could very well have been my mistake, however, so there's not much I can do about it. I just know that after this, I won't be getting any hours... *depressed*


It's too deep, this emotion called love..

Okay, so Kir got me thinking of Fathers, and well, I remembered a snippet of the song my dad wrote for me when I was 4 or 5. It goes something like this:

                                                            Saw my little sunspot
                                                            Running through the meadow
                                                            Trailing a string of pearls behind her shoulder
                                                            She don't think she's lovely
                                                            But I know she makes the sun shine everyday

I wish I could make the sun shine again in his life. He works as a truck driver delivering loads of various supplies to companies all over the US, and all he has for company is his cat, Lil' Bit. I see in him a sadness that makes me pity him, yet I'm still resentful of him because of what he did to me and my mum and sister. I never told anyone this before, but when he found out my sister Alisha was pregnant, he slammed her against the wall and told her she was a whore, that he didn't ever want to see her darken his doorstep again. But I also remember the times he tried to be a good father, like when he would take us to the drive-in movie theatre in Coldwater, or tuck us into bed by singing us our songs. My memories of him are bittersweet, because mixed in with the good ones are the bad, all the hitting and yelling, him calling me a liar when I first started hearing voices in my head, that sort of thing. When he found out I was slitting my wrists (which he didn't even know I was doing it until like three years after I started) he said something to the effect that my mother must have cheated on him because there was no way he could have produced a psychopath like that for a daughter. I think he was truly afraid of me at that point, which made me want to hurt myself more, because all I wanted was for someone to reach out and hold me, tell me it was okay to feel alone, afraid, and utterly out of control, that they loved me anyway.

Ah, if wishes were horses, beggars would indeed ride though, wouldn't they? I got the support I needed from my online friends, even if ninety percent of them don't talk to me anymore. They were there when I needed them, and that's what's important. So now you know all about my illustrious past with my father, and why I feel the way I do. Cheers.


::insert:: I *finally* got AIM to download, so please, IM me anytime!!!! SexayTawni, and you can email me by the same name @ aim.com or Salennia_jjj @ yahoo.com